omfg my case manager just dropped off my meds and they gave me last month's med list, so I have the fking Ativan, ****ING FLUPHENAZINE that I have not taken in like two months, don't have the increased dose of Abilify, and don't have the Belsomra. Like, at all. Not even the 5mg. So I guess I'm going to go another 3 nights before I sleep again... fk me. FK ME.

i DOn't want to deal with another ****ing sleepless night. Ever again. No. Fk that. If I can't sleep tonight I'm taking that fking Ativan. and if I don't sleep I'm taking another. and so on.

Yeah, the pharmacy's ****ing great. Even though I called those ****ers and TOLD THEM I had my meds changed yesterday and they said to "call back in an hour, we'll look into it" and then when I called back they said it would be ready in an hour. Well, **** it. I guess when I see my pdoc next week (yeah, she wanted to see me in a week because apparently I'm that ****ed up right now). I can tell her "yeah, those med changes you made? Don't know how they would've affected me so this appointment's ****ing useless as is the meal plan we came up with and the discussion we had last week made me stay up all night bawling, blacking out, wanting to never eat again and die."

And when my case manager dropped me off she told me she talked to my therapist and relayed whatever the hell excuses I made for not going to PHP and my therapist just goes "Sam's so fking SMART." (not as a compliment if you can't tell the tone)

CHLOE'S NOT DOING OKAY. She's the neighbor's dog (like my best friend rn), and she always says hi to me when I leave. Yesterday she was sleeping which is very unusual for her when she's out, and didn't even notice me. Today she was up, but she just kinda moaned when I walked by. Great. Another thing to cry about.