The most important thing you should focus on is both your physical and mental health. Stay away from using drugs because all they do is make things worse.
Unfortunately a parent can fail their child because they don’t know how to interact with a child in healthy ways and are clueless when it comes to child development So any kind of challenge can lead to anger and frustration.
It’s important to find people who can help you find resources. Going to an AA meeting can be a good start as there are often people there that can guide you towards helpful resources.