Boots, you know I have eating problems and even now a limited amount of safe food. My ED voice quiets when properly medicated. It's hard and lonely to say goodbye to that voice. I have two "Anna" and " mia". Anna is a ***** who tells me I need to starve, I deserve it... Mia comforts me and convinces me it's okay to eat if I purge. Both are not my friend but they feel like they are. Some days I'd do anything to get them back. I'm at a healthy weight now. It's not control you have its fear and that's okay. I didn't want to get better. Spent years fighting getting better. My selfharm got worse. I even have a scar representing "Anna" because they can't take it away from me. On my phone it still tells me when to eat. I do several small "meals" a day. If I can't I have a premade instant breakfast. I do premade so I can't mess with it. Then I sit and cry. It's okay to be scared,it's okay not to want to recover, it's okay to feel powerful from not eating, it's not okay to die from it. It's not okay that this isn't a choice. And it's not okay this is making you psychotic. think about taking the help. It's not okay they messed up your meds. I'm here for you.