I'm probably doing too much even posting this here. I don't know why, but I feel compelled to share this. Maybe to affirm that it's an issue so I don't continue going where it may lead . . .

anyway, when I was little I discovered that I derived pleasure from picking my gums with a toothpick until they bled. Of course it'd hurt initially, not enough to make me stop, because the swelling that came after felt so enjoyable. I would do it a lot when I got bored.

At some point in my life, I stopped this habit for years; honestly couldn't tell you what age, because I don't even remember exactly.

Well tonight I got a piece of tortilla stuck in between my teeth, so I used some floss to flush it out. Ehhh, in the process my gums started to bleed and that pleasure sensation returned.

Since I am consciously aware that it's not healthy for me to choose to intentionally go back to doing that again, I have no plans to.

I think maybe the purpose of this post is to hold me accountable in case I do revert back. Even though my goal is to refrain, I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that feeling when it happened.

Wish today was Sunday, I literally just saw my therapist yesterday and dumped a whole list of stuff I need to work through. I'm gonna try and just wait my two weeks, as I don't feel this issue is a pressing one, but do want to bring it to her attention.

With the whole mind/body connection, I am curious perhaps because I am asexual that this is some kind of compensation to experience physical pleasure since sex just isn't it for me. At least, that's what it seems like. Sex went away, so this toxic replacement comes up.

Hmm, I'm just hypothesizing because I love puzzles, and trying to figure ***** out. I'm already dealing with a bunch of other crap, I really don't need to add more. All the more reason for me to be vigilant to not resurrect old toxic habits.

Anyway, thanks for tolerating this post.