Sometimes I kick myself for having gone back to my abusive ex husband after our first separation.

During our marriage, I secretly joined several narc abuse support forums on Facebook.

When I went back to my ex, I stayed away from these abuse forums because people there would have confronted me with the truth, I didn't want to hear it at the time, and I went into a complete state of denial, thinking that my husband had many good qualities and so he really couldn't be that way.

I see many victims on my FB forums doing the exact same thing about the abuse they experience. They don't want to see it, they don't want to admit it and they cannot face it, so they deny the abuse.

I think this is because it's SO damaging to one's self esteem, self worth, self image and perception of one's judgment to admit that they are being abused and mistreated.

Most especially I see this happening on these forums with victims who have been involved already with one or more previous abusers.

And so the victim vehemently defends their next abuser and places rose colored glasses on, denying, excusing, explaining away, and minimizing the abuse, all while espousing that person's so-called "good qualities". I've even seen these victims express rage at survivors who bare the truth to them and who expose the abuser for what they are. That's denial.

It's very sad, it's very pitiful, and it's also very maddening for me. It's a trigger for me because of my own brief denial of my ex's abuse towards me, so I have to greatly limit my time on these FB forums.

What's sad to me is that these victims will continue to lie to themselves and to everyone else, they will continue to defend and excuse their abuser and get mad at those who expose the truth, all while they are being destroyed emotionally, mentally & even financially.

But, realistically, that's their issue, not mine, and their choice, and not mine. I have to step back and understand that I cannot save victims in denial. They have to save themselves at some point and face the truth at some point. And it's not my job to show them the way.

So, I am limiting my time on these abuse forums because they're so very triggering for me at times. I now visit them maybe once per week and respond to some victims' posts, but not many.

Bottom line is - I still have triggers because of the abuse I experienced, and I have to protect myself.

And whenever I experience "abuse amnesia" or feel the trauma bond pulling at me again, all I have to do is return to my forums, read several entries, and then I am brought right back down to reality.

I feel very sorry for those victims who choose to stay in an abusive relationship or marriage. I guess all I can do is pray that they will see the truth one day and will choose to save themselves.