Thanks, guys.
@VerMOZZica, were you super super ambivalent about recovery because you were afraid of gaining weight, losing your identity, people finding out, losing a coping skill (even if it's a negative one), realizing you're going to start thinking about things other than food, losing control, etcetera etcetera...?
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funny enough I had a coffee and put on some heavy rock and fell asleep for another half hour. I'm going to tell my pdoc that's going to be my new nightly routine
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edit: omg I just tried playing the keys and:
warm-ups: couldn't even get past a D-scale. C-scale and Am doable enough, haha. Not that screwed thankfully.
actual playing: gave up 5 minutes into it when I tried playing a simple E CHORD and played a Am/E (I know not too bad considering, but I should be able to hit sharps) and screwing up every other chord and note in similar fashion.
wtf is wrong with me?
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I wanna use and make everything100x worse........ because that's a great sign. Glad S is hanging around today and taking me to see my pdoc and case worker.