This is literally me getting my frustratings out because I don't know where myjournal went and typing is easier than writing righ now and I feel like predtending to write to an audience helps process thins in my mind better. Yeah. I guess it's just all lthe "pull asides and "alre you alrights?" I'm getting from people when we go out together. We are a friendly community that cares even if we feud and half the town hates each other. I told my pdoc I simply felll because I had a hypo, but I didn't tell her there was some physical violence going on. That make me feel like "everyone else things I'm in an unsafe environment...am I? I mean, one assault from someone who doesn't even live there isn't too bad. A few threats with a kitchen pan isn't that bad.

I don't even know where I meet these people. It's not like they're all a part of a friend group. I mean they were when I was actively using, but that was months ago and even then I'd go to different people for different things. S I met at a PHP he was co-facilitating and tbh there was a lot of transference going on that went to far especially when I brought up I wanted to join a band with a very unique style and he was down for it. He seemed to like my "public" crazy side. Now that he sees my "inside" crazy he wants to throw fying pants at me and make me sleep less than 10 hours a week. It won't be long before he's the guy that traumatizingly force feeds me.

A lot of the other people I've met with family members, friends of family, neighbors who were supposed to be "baby sitters" and the abusive relationships were more like "Hey, I wanna get high. Do you wanna get high? We can get high together and then fk and call that a relationship. We'll even show each other new music. You bring the uppers I'll bring the downers and anyone else that wants to joing can bring their own shyt." At least that's what two of them were like.
One was very push-pull. One minute he was dragging me across the floor and throwing me on the bed...well i think you know where this goes, and in the mean time he'd throw shyt around the house breaking chairs and slamming doors making me fear for my life especially when he'd make it obvious he had a gun but wouldn't keep it in a place both of us hhad access to it. And....yeah. I alsolearned not to hike desolated mountains with these dudes no matter how despite for a hiking buddy you are. If you can't do it alone, shouldn't be doing it with someone else....I know all the hikers are gonna come after me on this one, but the most extreme conditions I've been in where the top of Mt. Eisenhower in 60mph in the clouds and you couldn't see hte next cairn. It was like 15degrees up there. A normal person would've convinced me to turn around, but my "life free or die" motto engrained in me said keep going and that's one less NH48 down.

I'm afraid of healthy people. I have a couple in my life. I thought S was "healthy" but honestly now I'm turned on by him knowing he has a mean side. I want to start a few more fights and pounce.

I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no ****ing sense I took way too much Ativan and idk when it'll wear off and I am still sleep deprived and sick.