I know need to go. I created a meal plan but I can't stick to it, sometimes skipping meals/nutritional supplements, sometimes binging and purging. My blood sugar drops and I think "yeah, I'll just lay on the floor until it's meal time." I cry everytime after I eat, sometimes worse. Yesterday, I don't know if this is food related or at all but I was kinda dissociated and I just sorta woke up on the floor really sore and couldn't get up for a bit because I felt so weak.

But like, I don't feel 100% ready. It's virtual and I don't want to stick in front of a computer screen for 6 ours a day without the option to walk away and lsten to music whenever I want or need to. There's family therapy and right now that is going to be really complicated seeing as my dad is an extremely abusive psychopath and my mom is just plain ole toxic. I have a roommate but we're fighting daily now and sometimes it gets really intense, and I blame him for my assault. I don't want to gain back any of the weight. I don't want to eat food on camera, I don't want to do a million groups on DBT, CBT, nutrition, 27 elective groups to choose from, a 1;15 minute lunch!, and a few others I don't know what they area.

I've done PHP before one for struggling/on the verge of being homeless adolescents and one for dual diagnosis. But they were NOT this strict.

I just, when I restriact for a hwile or purge after a binge I get high on power. When I see the numbers go down I feel like a goddess. I feel like I'm totally in control of wwhat goes in and what comes out of my body which doesn't happen all that often, but at the same time I'm binging and after the high of the purge wears off I feel even more like shyt.

I don't know if it's worth it. I don't even know if they can help someone who's so torn on recofvery.