I do not remember a single ****ing thing from that phone call. I know we talked about the PHP and she said I might not get into PHP. They have inpatient, residential, and IOP too. I'm not sick enough for IP and don't need residential, so PHP and IOP would be my options. I fell three times day. I wish I could just appear. I feel like everything I do is wrong or backfires in some way. Everyone would be better off without me.

I feel so awful about this seasson. I don't even member talking to her other than a word here and there about the eating disorer center. I don't even know if I'm going

I want to go. I'm sick of crying after every time I eat. I'm sick of hearing "No, you can't eat that fatass." everytime something with more than a certain amount of carlories is there. I'm sick of "yeah, you have a meal plan, but you can do with out...I'll guide you the way in the directly you actually WANT to go in and g et you there quicker." I'm sick of these threads of calories in the air and the water and the sun and dust, and microbisms. I'm sick of getting not just angry, but RAGEFUL, when I see a scale or someone who I think looks like they have it together more than me because as we all know I'm a fking shyt show.

But I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to take up space. I don't want to be a burdgen. I want to fade away into the black. I want one of these falls to be my last. I've binged so much, I synonymize myself with the word "cringe." I don't want to do family threapy with whoever the fk that might be. I don't want to do meal times on cameras at adinner table. with staff watching. I don't want to be pur in the trauma group and have to be told and tell all the shyt that Iv'e been through.

I can't go on like this anymore. But for all I know the otherside of that door, is nothing but a slide going to the depths of Morodor.