Well, ouch, that sounds like quite a way to damage a thumb! Hope he's doing better.

—>That makes sense about your boundary, does your H respect that when you say it? I feel like mine would be mean and bitter if I said something like that, but I guess I don't know until I try.<---

The way I approach it is that his feelings matter, but mine matter equally. Unfortunately, with the way he is, it can end at an impasse and be left unresolved. Yes, he does get mad at times because he's not always getting his way, but why is it only about what he needs and wants? It helps to keep in mind that the goal isn't to upset him (despite allegations he might make), the goal is to ensure my needs are also met in any mutual spaces. In an effort to keep things in a slow and calm place, I've learned to take as much time as needed to think through and articulate thoughts before speaking, and to also not have any emotional reactions, because that's just fuel to the fire with him as he is now.

Don't know if this might apply to you, but something that's helped in regards to potential arguments is understanding the karpman drama triangle. Understanding the way we tend to shift through those three roles helps avoid having pointless circular arguments that go nowhere. The concept of the karpman triangle was actually pretty tough for me to grasp for some reason, but once I could understand and recognize the patterns, it made it much easier to avoid getting sucked into unproductive arguments that are disguised as ‘discussions’. There have been times when I recognized that we were in the round and round dance of the triangle, so just backed off and started to mostly listen. You know what happened? He ran around the triangle all by himself- from one role to the next. That's a little odd to watch, but hits home just how compulsive the dynamic can be.

—>I told him this and I really do feel like communicating with him is like walking through a minefield because I never know what I say that will set him off. And, he is categorically incapable of having a disagreement without resorting to super childish behavior. Actually, not even a disagreement but some type of communication where I inadvertently push a button or have a misstep like normal human beings do. Imperfect communication from my end can cause him to have a meltdown and honestly sometimes it might be tone or me using the word "we" instead of "I" and things like that. I really do feel like I have become the place all of his anger goes to.<---

The problem isn't you. Adults should be able to talk to each other like adults, no matter if an inadvertent misstep occurs. Perhaps you're thinking and rethinking your words to make sure he might be comfortable with them? You may never pick the right words or choose the right side if he has a knack for misinterpreting for the sake of drama, or even just negativistic thinking. That's a bad place to be. Don't lose sight of the fact that your intentions are good, and HE is the one misinterpreting them. You *might* be able to kindly stand your ground and point that out to him in the moment, depending.

I like how you handled your Thanksgiving. It sounds like it was good for you, and good for the kids, and good for your H. It may not look like the ideal you would want to envision, but it works for now.

Thanksgiving was pretty good here. We got through it well enough