I took *all the ativan I had

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I can't take this anymore. I need sleep. A good sleep. A "fall a sleep at 10 and wake up at 5 no nightterror" sleep. I need to eat like a normal person. None of this go three days just having instant breakfasts. No saying "no one's home, no one'll catch me. Imma microwave the gallon of icecream and put as much cereal and devil dogs as I can in it and binge on that shyt because it can come right back up." No talking to S after dinner because that'll just piss me off.
Nah, after dinner I'm just gonna study music theory, write, do yoga, and maybe if my fingher s comply play some ksys. I'll have a cup of chamomile tea. One cup so I don't have to pee. If I catch myself thinking about foodo or my family or S or drugs or anything unpleasant I'm going to look at a picture of Bean. Will I cry? Yeah. But I'd rather cry about a good memory that's lost than a bad memory/habit htat huants me to this day