I want to clarify I do *NOT* want to cmmit suicide outright.

I want to take adderall laced with fentanlyl
I want to eat until my stomach nearly ruptures, and then throw up until nothing comes back up and then drink water and throw up again and drink more water and throw up again and hope my electrolytes go so off I pass out
I want to go for walks in the middle of the night and howl with the coyotes, hoping they can't tell friend from foe.
I want to run along the busy highway, feeling free and scared.
I don't want to go to the doctor's to get any of my problems checked out. If something's really that wrong, well, we'll find out I guess.
I don't want to eat carbs.
I don't want to put a hat, jacket, shoes, and gloves on when it's 10dF out.

I want to live my life the way I want to live my life without regard for death. Death can go **** himself. We're in a love/hate relationship, and the anger sex is to die for.