yes, totally normal scenario. but, my exerting normal boundaries and expectations does not often go normally. there can be a lot of chaos around the most basic things. its not typical because there is the recurring concern of self-harm, ideations.

its hard to know where to draw the line because one could say she is being lazy, irresponsible, selfish, spoiled, disrespectful. or one could say she is being depressed, desperate, anxious, overwhelmed.

i have tried to foster communication, tried to take away the phone away for the night (she had such a meltdown i gave it back right away), or throw marijuana away (she raged for hours at me about it), ask her to do schoolwork (she tells me she cannot do it and portrays that self-harm will follow), and then i have her therapist tell me with her in the room that i am being a bad mom doing that, taking away her lifeline, making it so she might kill herself.

so then i do nothing, allow her to do nothing, or allow her to do whatever she asks for, try to accommodate her, pick up the slack, and did it help at all?? i don't know.

my son says i enable her, that she is gaslighting and being abusive.

after all the chaos of this year with her struggle, and me being there for her without fail, running myself absolutely ragged, only for her to think i dont validate her, i don't listen, and i don't get it. yes shes a kid, saying kid things. but me sitting for weeks in the hospital by her side makes it not typical kid stuff at the same time. all year long, no professionals agree about much. they all say different things. its maddening. my voice is drowned out. i have little power, except to facilitate. all the professionals have agreed on ONE THINGS.this program i get her enrolled in that weve been waiting for months to start. and now suddenly she said she doesnt think it will work for her, and she wants to do something else (residential) and if she doesnt, she wont survive.

so even with a different insurance to cover residential, it would cost probably minimum 15k per month, and i would have to get rid of the state insurance i have now which covers all these visits, medications, hospital stays, outpatient. then when residential is over, i would be paying premiums, copays, after care. we would lose the ONE program all the professional told me we need.

it crushed my hope (for at least a few days) when my daughter said she doesnt want to do the program. she is always telling me what is right and best in the past, and it led to more harm for her. so i just dont know, my head is spinning.

maybe i think her behavior is better than it is. not sure
she told me she recognizes she is expressing narcissitic traits and she doesnt want to be that way.
sometimes i wonder if she is just too hard on herself.

i have noticed a slight improvement in her being able to talk to me about these kind of things. usually i just see her outburst of emotion and then she calms down eventually and if you try to follow up with her about it, ask about it, she cuts you off immediately and throws out threatening emotion again, like another meltdown/outburst will happen.