First of all, I am sorry for this post. I know that none online can diagnose me. All I am asking for is an opinion if I am on the right track or completely off. I am not going to tell people I have bipolar based on some stranger’s opinion on the internet, I just want some sort of a guidance.

My biggest issue is that my symptoms usually don’t show on the surface. I don’t struggle at work, or with relationships or anything really, I just struggle inside. Therefore looking for help feels like I am an imposter, like my problems aren’t real because I know that there are people who are 10000 times worse off than me. Also I don’t know if subjective experience of my symptoms is enough to get diagnosed with anything at all. I just tell myself I might simply be very sensitive, moody and melancholic person and these things are my personality traits rather than a mental illness since I handle day to day life pretty well, above average I would even say. The reason why I am thinking about having bipolar is that I do experience periods of depression and periods that seem hypomanic but I don’t know if my symptoms are by far bad enough to actually get diagnosed.

During the ups I feel like the queen of the world. I do have thoughts like: “If I would want to, I could own the whole ****ing world.” I feel like I am at the top of everything, I feel lucky, happy, elevated and my thoughts are extremely fast. The thing is it’s actually great for my work, because that’s the time I usually work extra hours and feel driven and ambitious all the time. I am hyperfocused on my tasks and everything in my mind just clicks really fast. The job others do in an hour I complete really well in a few minutes and everyone including my boss is happy about that. I have fast reactions to any sort of external stimulation, I decide quick, act quick and everyone around just feels sluggish and lazy. It’s really a great feeling and during these periods I have already had 2 promotions, I have started several artistic projects with a really great vision that I wanna follow. I even feel sexier than normally but I have never cheated on my partner besides some texting with several men who were interested in me and I was just playing with them. Besides being really active at work, I don’t experience any negative symptoms. I don’t spend money recklessly, I don’t cheat, I don’t drive fast. I don’t start arguments, I don’t drink more than usual, I don’t say anything I wouldn’t normally say. The only negative effect I feel is that since my thoughts race through my mind really fast, I have trouble falling asleep and usually only sleep for 3 - 4 hours a day, I do have Xanax prescribed for the periods when I cannot fall asleep. I also tend to start a lot of artistic projects and work projects that I later find difficult to finish because it’s just too much. I would need 3 other lives to actually work on them all.

And then…I do have times like these when I just feel like all my hard work, all my activities, hobbies, everything I have started, everything I have done is completely meaningless and worthless. When I feel like I am meaningless and worthless myself. I am an imposter with no real talent, nothing original to offer to this world and I have no value. I have to fight myself to actually wake up and go to work but eventually I always go to work and no matter how ****** I feel, I always work as well as I can because I cannot imagine doing and being anything less. Today was the worst, any kind of slightly wrong comment was bringing me to the edge of crying, I could not explain why, the pain I was feeling was overwhelming, but instead of crying, I just smiled, made a joke and swallowed my tears. And right now I just had to get myself some wine because I not only feel worthless and sad but also angry on how ****** this whole world is and none is doing about it, none can really see me, understand me and I can’t deal with it anymore.