Nah. I'm not mixed. I'm just plain ole depressed. I'm "motivated to punish myself in everyway known to man including excessive exercise and impulsive SH" depressed, but depressed nonetheless. I think I'm my baseline impulsivity.


What would happen if I didn't answer my pdoc's phone call today when yesterday I told my CW (who will relay this to her) that I've been SHing daily and not all of it is superficial and I haven't been eating every day and I haven't been sleeping every night and last time I talked to pdoc I was severely depressed and checked off "Every day or nearly every day" for "Thoughts of hurting myself or that I'd be better off dead" on those survey things and I don't really remember most of the appointment other than she didn't understand why r**e would be upsetting to a person.
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I spent over 2 hours in total trying to reach someone on a crisis line over the past couple days (either my ACT team on call line or the NH "Rapid Response" line) only to get "well, we can send someone out to evaluate you further within 48 hours." No, fk that. I'm not letting some random person into my home to "evaluate me" sometime in 2 days when I talk to my pdoc in 7 hours.
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This is really fking scary. I lost like just a few minutes and I was fking texting my dad. My probably psychopathic (as in doesn't give a shyt about the law or the right thing to do or anything like that, impulsive as ****, only emotion ever expressed is anger, has no regard for his or anybody else's safety, arrogant bastard **** I'm kinda explaining myself a bit here) ,dad. I sent "I got the poison if you got the flower". well, that's a good sign