Thanks for your replies. Amandalouise, thank you for all this information, it was good to get a different perspective and there’s lots for me to think about.
It’s not that I want to hide my symptoms, it’s just that I often feel like a liar or like I am exaggerating etc. and find it hard to put words to my experiences as sometimes the words seem too dramatic.
I wasn’t honest in answering certain questions in my evaluation because it is hard to disclose things like abuse and self harm. I had a follow up appointment and I wrote down the correct answers to those questions so I’m all good there.
I was told I am suspected to have BPD which I did not think I had. However when I really looked into it, I saw a lot of things I could relate to and things started making sense for the first time, even though I still felt I did not fit the typical profile for BPD. I think that’s because I have hid it due to the rejection in the past. That’s what I was wondering, if that was a thing?
I have no intention of hiding it now for the assessment and I do want the correct diagnosis. I am wondering if I have been living in a way that keeps BPD traits under wraps because of what happened when I did not hide them when I was at school. I isolate and stay away from others emotionally and physically and I feel like I have not lived.
I am even going through this thing with my T where I keep telling her I hate her so that I will not feel in anyway close to her so it will not hurt if she lets me down. I have been seeing her for a year and I’ve started this crap a few weeks ago and I can’t break out of it and it’s because I don’t want to need her because it will hurt too much.