So the PTSD clinic called wanting to put me on the waiting list. I was confused, they were confused, but I'm on the wait-list for their therapy. I don't think my issues stem from trauma but under treated Sza. But we'll see what the clinician says. I guess that's what I get for not explaining myself. I know why I'm anxious. I know it's crazy so I don't want to say it out loud. I don't want to admit I'm crazy. Especially to a person I met for an hour. I'm so discouraged. I can't breathe knowing everything is going to fall apart and I may end up in the hospital. I don't even know how to get the words out. at this point I don't want him home. Won't tell him that. Because people just snap sometimes. This is making me nauseous just thinking about this. Why do I have to be crazy? Why can't I just be honest? Why does getting therapy here have to be so hard? This will seriously effect my relationship when he gets home. I don't want anyone to think there's an ounce of truth in my thoughts because there's not. I feel like I just made everything a whole lot worse. It's like I can't be honest with these people. Yes I'm psychotic, yes I'm dealing with eating issues, I can't cook, I haven't actually took a real shower in a month and a half or more and I can't until my husband gets home. But I'm anxious about him coming home. Why can't they just ask why I'm anxious? Why do I answer "not currently" when asked self destructive thoughts. Because I'm not having them that second. I wish they asked when the last time you've had x thoughts. I don't see pdocs for another month unless my EKG is bad. So that's the 8th. I need to explain if I don't have a therapist he needs to ask follow up questions. Maybe they'll get me in this month. I feel like I ****ed it all up. And for some stupid reason feel like I shouldn't take my meds for ****ing it all up.