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MuddyBoots I noticed a post of yours in the addictions forum where you shared that your father was/is an abusive psychopathic alcoholic and that affected you.
I think that his abusive behaviors also traumatized your mother and it triggers her when you engage where she experiences a powerless and helplessness and gets angry. When one is exposed to someone that is controlling and abusive, part of the damage that takes place is not feeling safe enough to love.
Unfortunately toxic people choose to be abusive because all they want is power over and control. These people prefer to instil fear and they will punish anyone who challenges them. When someone is a victim if they break free from a toxic person, it can take years to develop a sense of power and often the person struggles with ptsd.
It’s very possible that your mother is extremely sensitive when it comes to dealing with any kind of substance abuse.
You ask how is it that people who care react in ways you see as extreme or not helpful. People can care and genuinely want to help but they simply don’t know how.