Yeah, you can die mixing benzos and alcohol or benzos and opiates (and I've had to be treated for both in the past and it's fking scary and torturous). And considering I've never gone more than a year without relapsing on either idk why they insist on me taking benzos every night right now when if they're in my own hands I abuse them, and now that they're not I just get pissed that if I fk up I'm going to die even if I don't intend to. And last night when they gave me my meds they asked me if I had been drinking AFTER I took the Klonopin... (I have not had anything to drink in 3 or 4 days) Well, I know why. They think if I'm sedated af at night I won't call on-call saying I'm having a meltdown and about to kill myself. No, now that happens around 4am when the post-Kpin anxiety/agitation/rage spikes.

I'm pretty much stuck with my therapist. She's the only one for the co-occurring disorders (dd) ACT team.

The thing is she's pretty helpful when I see her, but I feel like sometimes she likes to test my "fear of abandonment." Which, has not improved. So yeah, when I heard I'm not going to see her for another two weeks, and our last few appointments were phone calls (and when you factor in I have no memory of them), yeah, I fking miss her and feel abandoned and got so pissed and felt so rejected and was having all these thoughts like "I'm her most burdensome/difficult/hopeless client she needs a break from me," I SH'd for really stupid reasons, like I thought I'd be punishing her or smething.

My case manager and pdoc both do a little bit of therapy with me, but they have other focuses.

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Ugh. Grocery shopping. I'm still panicking. Did I buy too much? Too little? The wrong stuff?