Idk what happened but I’ve gone down a really negative spiral in the past few days. I had my ECT treatment on Friday and usually I feel fine aside from tiredness and soreness the next day. My thoughts have taken a pretty negative turn. Lots of SI. I’m really close to buying a pack of cigarettes and I’m only stopping myself because I know RS will be upset. I haven’t smoked since IP last year and I only smoked bc I couldn’t have my nicotine vape. But it’s like the vape isn’t enough and I want to d— anyway so maybe I can get cancer through smoking. I know that’s awful and I know I don’t want cancer and it’s an insult to anyone fighting or passed from cancer to even think that. I’m just desperate for an end.

I’m so tired of being like this. I think the ECT treatment really made me down because I’m just so tired of it. I’m so frustrated that it’s the only thing that keeps me out of depression. I couldn’t remember what I got RS for Christmas and I think that’s what really got me down. Not only that but I have to take five different meds just to keep even and they still don’t work for depression. I’m tired of being this way. I suppose I’d feel the same if I had a physical chronic illness. Sometimes it’s just enough already.

I’ve had SI for probably about a month now. Mostly passive but still. I don’t understand why people want to live. Like people are actually scared of dying and I don’t get that. I would welcome it. I’m only here for my son.

I don’t know. I’m just so tired. And I can’t tell RS any of this, it will just scare him. I see my therapist tomorrow. I don’t really see how she could help. I see my pdoc on Wednesday too, but again, I don’t see how he could help. It’s clear medication does **** all for me.

I’m over it.