My Support Forums - View Single Post - Long-term clients and maternity leaves

ScarletPimpernel · Dec 15, 2023 at 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

I doubt I am welcome in one of your threads given your previous comments about me being a bully and presumably thinking I contribute to your perceived toxicity of these forums, but I am going to comment anyway! There are some parallels being discussed here with my experience of therapy at the moment so this helps me make sense of what is going on for me.

Our own rhythms clashing with other people's timescales is really hard to navigate. It's painful and frustrating. However, it is also part of relationships and part of what makes relating to others energetic and revealing - as well as sore and grating. I think we lose sight of our agency when we talk about unfairness, suffering etc and I don't mean because we can make choices and use our power within the relationship (I agree that this is not easy and clients are not in a powerful position). I mean it from the point of view that these pauses in therapy, the other person's timescale taking priority, etc gives us the chance to experience more of what a relationship is truly about. Our stuff gets more room, gets to breathe, gets the chance to emerge beyond contact with the other. The therapeutic closeness, hand holding, emails, etc can be important aspects but they are only a part of the therapeutic story. I totally understand craving that kind of holding, but it is also limited.

I think what una said about a child therapist is really interesting and relevant - being able to tolerate and then grow whilst experiencing the pain of another's timescale feels really adult to me. I am not there, but I have an awareness of something. And let's not forget - if the therapeutic relationship continues after the pause, you have the space to explore what has happened for you. Living this stuff is the real work, not seeking seamless attunement.

As I say, this isn't clear to me and I lose sense of things, but it's definitely something I am thinking about and feeling into.

You are welcome. The situation from before, about forcing others to accept a specific kind of support, yes I found bullying and toxic. But that's a different topic. Sometimes, like here, I find your support insightful and helpful. While I don't agree with everything, I do agree that this absence does give me the ability to do more of the "work" about myself, in therapy. I'm not sure I agree completely about "seamless attunement". I am not seeking that. It's impossible. No one can completely attune to anyone. Even L was saying that in order to form a child to form a healthy attachment, there only needs to be 30% attunement. Maybe connection is a better word? But even that I don't completely expect. Sure, I'd love to fit in her pocket and her just carry me around, AND at the end of the day, I must go home, on my own, and deal with and cope with life. I think my problem is the length of the leave, the length of the loss of connection. I get that some relationships go through periods of time where there's no communication, but other relationships, there is constant communication. To go from constant to almost none is difficult especially for 3+ months. Like a 1-2 week vacation would be hard, but this is 7x that length. For someone who was encouraged to attach and someone who has abandonment, rejection and favoritism issues, it makes it even more difficult.

Yes, I am complaining and throwing a temper tantrum of sorts, AND I am doing the work. I'm still here and I’m still trying to cope. And I haven't written off L. I haven't canceled anything with her and I haven't stopped communicating with her (though we only talk about issues once a week through emails).