Nice to see you Soupe! Glad you had a positive time without much harm. Sorry about the deflation, hopefully it doesn’t go too low.

@Aurelius710 so sorry to hear about your mother. I hope they find a good med for her to beat it.

I’m feeling more positive. About Wednesday my mindset became more on the fighting side and by Thursday I was back to normal. Normal for me, anyway. Still with SI and anxiety but I think that’s just my life. It’s manageable.

I’m gearing up for the holidays. I’m excited for CR to open his gifts. I think he will really enjoy them. I got only one gift for RS, well two but they go together. He mentioned months ago a wildlife documentary series he used to watch and really enjoy (Marty Stouffer’s wild America) so I managed to locate a set of DVDs online. I also got a DVD player as we don’t have one. We usually don’t get each other anything, ever, we’re not gift people. We like experiences more than material gifts. But I really wanted to get him that so he can watch it again, and it is an experience because I like wildlife documentaries as well so we can watch them together.

I’m still in need of gift cards for a lot of people. And a few things for Christmas baking and recipes. We went to the grocery store yesterday but it was so crowded I got overwhelmed quickly and forgot a few things because I just wanted to get out of there. I’ll go back during the week when it’s not so bad.

We did make ginger cookies yesterday. Today we’re going to make lemon snowdrops and kolaches. We’re planning on seeing my grandma on Christmas Eve day and then we’ll go to RS’s parents for Christmas dinner. Much more pleasant than my aunt and uncle’s for sure.

I keep having dreams about my brother which tells me the whole situation is really bothering me when honestly it shouldn’t, it’s not shocking that he canceled on me a few weeks ago. He always does. I guess it bothers me because it was for CR’s 13th birthday and my brother obviously didn’t want to be involved even though he claims to have no problem with me. I wish he would just be honest, obviously he does have a problem with me. If I were to guess I’d say it’s not me personally but the old life I represent. But maybe he’s not even aware of it. Either way, I’ve decided to stop contacting him altogether. If he wants to see me I’m here but I’m tired of hopes being dashed and feeling like crap because of it. I did tell him happy birthday and sent his family a gift (passes to the Philadelphia Zoo). Haven’t gotten a response on whether he received it. Hopefully he did. I’m assuming he won’t show up for Christmas since he hasn’t asked me what the family’s plans are. Oh well. Maybe someday he’ll get through therapy and put the trauma to rest. Then he’ll come back to us. Unfortunately it will probably be too late to reconcile with grandma, her health is starting to fail a bit and I don’t know how much longer she really has. But it is what it is.