As of now I'm realizing that this Christmas, this time, is not going to be great. Probably even more so this time than in the past, when I've spent so many Holidays alone.

This Christmas I won't have a single friend. And then my sister had a fall last week and broke some bones on her arm. I called her last Thursday and she didn't sound good and was in a hurry to hang up on me. She said she'd call me the next day and, as of now, still hasn't called. She does that to me a lot and I get tired of it. Plus, when I call, it's always a bad time. So I don't like to reach out because I have a fear of rejection and it happens almost all of the time.

I remembered decades ago, when I was much younger, that during times when I'd be watching TV with my father, I'd sing along with the Christmas commercials I was happy back then. While I was singing, my father interrupted me by saying, "there are many who feel really bad at this time of year". I thought that he was such a downer and it was hard for me to believe how people can feel bad during the season. Now that I'm much older and alone, I know why.