i just came back from my monthly psych appointment.
i am stewing in my therapist's waiting room, like the caprese prosciutto in my purse. from the italian deli across the street, the one where they call me "sweetie".
i poured every drop of my recent worries out onto her stiff, heather couch. like a sweatshirt. we talked about my half-assed internet pharmacology research and my PRNs. and then i told her about every erratic feeling and behavior that i've been experiencing for the past several months now. everything that's been making me feel crazy. crazy!!!
her response was "that sounds like bipolar-" and i stopped thinking. i stopped breathing. bipolar? i said, "i don't think it is! wouldn't i know by now?" and she told me diagnoses usually come after adolescence. i turn 20 in march. why bipolar??? my issues, my behaviors, they couldn't really be bipolar, could they. they don't last that long? she said "everyone is affected differently. it doesn't look the same for everyone." i guess it's true. the DSM isn't really the bible.
so what's next? the psych is stopping my abilify for the next 3 weeks. then, we'll talk about a brand new med. she said "lamictyl" a few times. these words are all terrifying, i don't want any of this. i don't want this, i don't want more meds. i just want to feel normal!!!