I have reason to believe that I am descending into some form of psychosis due to probable genetic predisposition and years of trauma and stress. I am starting to feel the weight of my mortality, and I feel that I don't have much time left before I lose opportunities to realize life long dreams that I have had since I was young. Basically I feel like I can see the end of my life on the horizon and I am deeply saddened and disappointed that so many major things in my life never happened, and I'm just going to be cast into oblivion with all my regrets far outweighing my achievements, and most of my achievements losing their value.

I'm not married, have no children, and I am about to turn 36. But with everything that has happened to me and my family over my lifetime--especially in the past 2-3 years--I feel like I could be 70 by now. It has been an absolute ****-show. So many people have suffered life-threatening, life-changing, agonizing health complications, traumatic interpersonal drama, neglect, major financial loss...its just been shockingly, jaw-droppingly awful for so long. And there is no sign of it slowing down.

I feel so completely derailed and confused. I have a strong feeling that its my responsibility to stay with my family (parents, siblings, aunts, nieces/nephews) and do whatever I can to support them all through all the horribleness that keeps happening because they have helped me in the past, and they need all the help they can get. But at the same time...I honestly kind of resent them for putting me in this situation. As tragic and stressful as the circumstances have been, many members of my family have been frequently intolerable and occasionally abusive, and if I'm being honest, I feel like some of what is happening now could have been avoided if they had made better choices, and its aggravating that I have this sense of obligation to help them through all this when at least some of it they brought onto themselves, because it means I have to give up my life-long desires because of other people's decisions.

I don't know how to resolve this conflict. The things I want to do with my life are mutually exclusive of supporting my family as long as *** keeps hitting the fan for them. If I stay and help I will forever regret that I didn't pursue my dreams. If I put full effort into going after what I want then I'll feel forever guilty and remorseful for not having stayed and provided what I could, until I become numb to those feelings, and I know at least some of them will judge and condemn me for it. Plus, I don't know what I would do if something happened to any of them and I wasn't there.

It feels like right now I'm more defaulting to staying and helping out. But this partly comes from feeling like maybe I don't have what it takes to pursue my dreams because of my own shortcomings and failures, and I am afraid of wasting my energy or taking ineffectual, dangerous risks trying,

I know that some of my peers have had to make sacrifices in their dreams or careers in order to come back to take care of relatives they left behind. But usually that is temporary. In my case, though, I have no reason to believe things are going to get better.