Thanks, LT.

Yes, L wanted to do safety planning with me tomorrow. It just pissed me off even more. She has no right to do safety planning with me. She's not my active therapist. She doesn't get that privilege. I told her so, and she said she understands.

She came up with an agenda: Check in, Grounding, Processing, then Reassurance fears and I love yous. Based upon our past, grounding will be connecting or meditation. I guess processing is talking out my anger.

This session was supposed to be about reconnecting. It was supposed to be a joyful session. Instead, I feel like it will be a tease and salt in the wound.

I think part of my anger is that I'm struggling to hold on anymore. I'm forgetting things. Maybe it's the attachment and transference going away, leaving the painful truths of our relationship? The truth that there have been many many unfair things in our relationship. I feel, that her as a therapist, her life isn't supposed to impact mine as much as it has. No other therapist has put me through so much. It's unfair in a therapeutic relationship.

L did agree that our goal for tomorrow is not to focus on reassurances. That it's more important to focus on truths and talking everything out.

I'm not looking forward to this. Whether it reconnects us or makes us more distant, it's going to hurt. Nothing can improve until she comes back. As I told her, we're at a stalemate.