Was this a session you had planned in advance when she first went on leave? And now you won't have regular sessions again til she returns to work? I ask because it is interesting how your feelings have changed about the session - from initially wanting it for connection, warmth etc, to now rejecting it because it's (she's?) useless and it's painful. That shift occurring during her absence feels significant. I ask about the one-off nature of the session (as in, this isn't the recommencing of your regular sessions) because that feels disruptive to me, especially given the processes you are going. It almost feels like these processes are private and her dipping in and then out is disorientating and takes you away from yourself.