Quote:
Originally Posted by comrademoomoo
Was this a session you had planned in advance when she first went on leave? And now you won't have regular sessions again til she returns to work? I ask because it is interesting how your feelings have changed about the session - from initially wanting it for connection, warmth etc, to now rejecting it because it's (she's?) useless and it's painful. That shift occurring during her absence feels significant. I ask about the one-off nature of the session (as in, this isn't the recommencing of your regular sessions) because that feels disruptive to me, especially given the processes you are going. It almost feels like these processes are private and her dipping in and then out is disorientating and takes you away from yourself.
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The session was planned before she went on leave. It is hard having just one session with her when we're not returning to full-time. It's like a tease: look what you can't have. I guess it is very disruptive because I've been learning to cope without her, and then she comes back in for a minute and then leaves again.
I could cancel the session, but I have a huge fear of missing out. I don't know what I'll miss out on, but I feel like it there's a chance for something good to come of this, then I want that chance.
You said something else that really triggered me, in a good way. You used the word "useless". That reminded me of something L taught me: people are to be loved and objects are to be used, not the other way around. Maybe she is useless to me right now, but that doesn't mean I just stop loving her. Same with all the anger, rage, and hatred, I still love her. Maybe she can't do anything for me, but I don't need to kick her out of my life. Maybe that's what holding on looks like? You just hold into the love when there's nothing else to hold onto?