She started with "Hi. It's good to see you". Normally, I'd reply "It's good to see you, too." I just said "Hi." We went straight into our routine. First, what feeling was most present. I said anger and fear. Then was safety. I said I was safe. Then sleep. Then smoking. Then we dived into the pain. This is where it gets blurry. We talked about how unfair it is that her life affects mine. She said that divulging personal information was a decision we made together because information helps me understand what's going on and helps me not take things personally. I felt blamed, like it's my fault. If I didn't choose to know details, then her life wouldn't affect me so badly??? We talked about how the boundaries are unfair to me. We talked about how if I was in her personal life, there wouldn't be such strict boundaries. She said true, maybe I'd stop over and bring a meal. That that would help me be active and process what was going on. She then turned the topic and said that she's probably more in contact with me than most. Though she said she knew I was grateful, the way she put it originally sounded like she was saying I wasn't. She just kept making excuses, coming up with reasons for everything. I felt blamed, guilty, even ashamed. She said she was just trying to understand. We talked about how it was unfair that she took me on as a long-term client knowing she was in this stage of her life. I told her if I would have known she was going to have children and have to go through these leaves, I might have chosen differently. Oh, another thing she said: how it's unfair that she is living my dream. That hurt. We also talked about how what she is doing is abandonment: that I am livong through it again. Whether real or imagined, I am feeling abandoned. I got so overwhelmed at the end, that I started getting dizzy. So we stopped and did some breathing. We ended with reassurances that she didn't regret being my therapist, that she still wanted me, and that she was coming back. We said our I love yous, and she hung up.

I'm heartbroken, devastated, in agonizing pain. Two more months of this. She's living her dream and I'm living my nightmare.