Thank you both for replying to me. It’s helpful to see your thoughts because I felt like my reasons were too complex and at one point when I tried to explain, it sounded odd and I said ‘oh that sounds very contradictory..?’ And she said ‘yeah it does…?’
Whereas really it is not straightforward and there is no single answer. Each time is different. So it was good to see that both of you understood that! As I felt she thought it should be more straightforward

Elio, yes sometimes I feel powerful and in control. That was definitely the case the last time I did it. The previous time was maybe a bit of self punishment but also being in so much pain that I needed to see it on me physically and I also needed to feel it to be able to function, even if functioning was still a painful battle.

CNS, it’s not if you hurt me I’ll hurt you, it’s more if you hurt me, I can also hurt me if that makes sense? I don’t have any desire to hurt her and never have, but if she hurts me it’s because I must deserve it so I like to know I can also hurt me?