Was tempted last night to throw everything away, and tell my mom to bring me to my psychiatrists hospital.

But I said, if I can sleep tonight - I'll deal with it in the morning. I don't often feel like a failure - But in this case? I definitely would, 100%..

Like I failed my mom, family, world.. For sticking to my old ways. Like my old psych nurse said "All you have to do is stop taking things that are unprescribed. It's so simple - But you don't do it, do you?" - And he was a good person, would joke around with me.. Cuz he thought I was so smart.. And that how could I do the same stupid thing over and over and over again..

But this time it was so strategic, and years planned experimentation.. Evolved..

Cuz I imagine if I were ever in the ER again, they'd be like "Ok.. He knows what he's talking about, knows risks etc" (Like my psychiatrist, doctor, student psychiatrist, therapist...).. But as a failure, I'd be like ... So depressed, and unable to have the motivation to talk (Cuz I'd have messed up so bad) - And my with my heart OCD (Like the 20 normal EKGs), I asked the nurse, "Will these cables shock me if my heart stops?" and she said "...Yes.." and I was like "D: =[", then she was like "No jk.." and I thought, "Wow what a joke - Is it really my fault that I'm in this emergency room? Cuz I'm constantly suicidal and no one cares".

But anyways.. So it's a new day.. I'll throw some things away...

My plan is to do something good (With all the interests that I have - I think the most important is "conspiracy" and spirituality in relation to my sensitive trauma mind, pharmaceuticals/medicine... Now that the drug war is ending).

And to enjoy my life.. I am ready to die, but don't want to of course.. Not yet. I still have lots to learn and experience.