Hey again.

Don't worry too much about posting here. If you're well focused on your own stuff, and H is secondary, that's a good thing. That's the place to be- living your own life and not being overly concerned with him.

Sending a lot of prayers and positive thoughts your way for the rest of the holidays. They're especially hard because you're trying to consider other people's feelings to a higher degree, but still need your own needs met. Holidays are stressful under the best of circumstances!

—>I do think as time goes on I have shifted from this sort of panic and despair of my H is going to actively leave us to this frustration and low level anger at him for not dealing with his own issues ever and how it has effected our lives. I think that is probably normal.<---

From my own experience, and from talking/observing others, it seems like it's almost a waking up process where you go through stages of seeing things more clearly and deciding which direction you need to go. So yeah, it does seem like you are processing things in a rather normal way.

All the other things you said resonate too. Maybe it's a bit like one of those pro and con columns, and right now the pros outweigh the cons for you. That's okay, because it's overall the best choice for you today. Don't forget that you're entitled to choose and change your mind at any given moment. There can be a lot of freedom in just remembering that.

But the sadness, I get that too. Right now H is a depressed Grinch and seems to be trying to drag everyone down for the holidays. It's so predictable at this point, that it's not having much effect on the rest of us. We're still decorating, baking cookies, watching Christmas movies, going to look at lights, having fun, all that stuff in spite of where he is mentally. For me, that's the goal- to detach to the point that I can have compassion for H (and allow his disorders to stay in his space), but find a way to live life in a proactive and rewarding way. Maybe this was said before, but all marriages eventually end one way or another; right now I'm doing my best to become the me I need to be- and whether he's around or not is actually rather irrelevant to that. I definitely wish it were something different, but… it's not.

You're doing a very good job of managing the things that are yours to manage, and not straying outside of your lane. In time something will change, whether it's you, or him, or the circumstances around you. Actually, things ARE changing, but it's a slow and steady process that you may not always have a strong awareness of. It's that dynamic where you won't see it a week or month from now, but a year from now, you'll realize how far you've come on a personal level. In the meantime, find ways to take care of yourself and give yourself the things you need and deserve.

(((Hugs)))