I came back to dig up a really old post and give another update.

@Open Eyes - I never really thanked you for the clear "if you're so miserable, then leave" comment. It felt insulting at the time, but it was helpful. And you are 100%, he was a controlling narcissist.

I've been suffering lately with flashbacks to the mental abuse. I would expect my partner to come down on my like a ton of bricks if I did something stupid (or at least that my ex would think is stupid), I would expect to be belittled, berated and shouted at. I haven't had this in two years and it's been bliss really.

I have been thinking about this messed up relationship recently, because I have finally found love and I almost didn't even recognise it. My conclusion is that my ex and I both grew up, never experiencing love from our parents. We were just two messed up individuals who tried to live together and call it love. I hated any form of affection with my ex, because I deep-down hated him. I didn't have a voice, he coerced me into everything, including the relationship (the start of our relationship was a trauma in itself for me really). Now that I have hindsight, I can see we were just two people who were hating on each other for 20 years. It feels so strange to have accepted his aggression and hurtful behaviour as love (he used to tell me that we hurt the people closest to us) - it was just an excuse to keep hurting me.

Anyway, I finally dealt with that trauma and accepted that what happened happened and that I cannot keep seeing myself as a victim of that relationship (there was a lot of good which also came from it, I was so focused on my studies and career for a long time, I achieved a lot of success outside of the house and truthfully, I didn't completely hate my life all the time. I just feel sad for my old self to have accepted what was going on - it wasn't right and I should have got myself out sooner. I actually told him right from the start I wasn't interested in him, but somehow ended up in a relationship with him. How did this even happen? Was I this weak?

No!!! He just cannot take no for an answer!!!

I left the UK at the start of the year to have a new start in Europe with my new partner. I'm even learning a new language. My life is so different to what I ever thought it could be when I wrote that initial post. I felt so stuck and that my only way out would be when my ex died. Our divorce went through when I was still in the UK and I was quite protective over giving him my details. A month after we broke up, I went to Tenerife and he tracked me down on a dating app and called me to ask me what I was doing on a dating app and if all I wanted was to have casual sex. I promptly told him it's no longer any of his business and asked that he left me alone. Two days later he told me he was going to block me on all social media for his own mental health. Ok. We only kept Whatsapp open to deal with the sale of the house and the divorce. Two months later, he sends me a photo of the building I was living in and told me that it's really nice and he's considering moving there after the house was sold. (This was his worst nightmare of a neighbourhood, part of the reason I moved there is that I knew it was highly unlikely to ever bump into him there.

The last time I saw him was when he insisted on signing the house papers in person. We met up in a public space, because I was genuinely fearful of being alone with him. He asked me if I was seeing someone else and I admitted to it (I was doing my best to keep my new relationship off social media for fear of upsetting him!!). He proceeded to insult my new relationship and told me that I lied and said I broke up because I wanted freedom. And the truth is, I found true freedom in this relationship.

Life went on, the divorce went through and my partner and I decided to move to Europe for a new start, away from everything in our past. It's been 8 months and I found my safe space, my space away from the hurt from the past. Two days ago, a mutual friend of me and my ex sent me a screenshot of him checking in at a famous landmark in my new city. The photo was taken in the same spot as when this friend visited earlier this year and tagged us in on Facebook to say she visited our new home (e.g. he definitely knows I'm in this city - even though I removed all of his allies from Facebook, we still have a bunch of mutual friends). This city isn't great for getting away for Christmas (it's a summer destination, not a winter one) and he has been here before and didn't really like it much. He hated "repeating" cities when we were together. He checked into a landmark 450 metres away from where I live.

Who does that!!! There's an entire planet to explore - I even left the country to minimise the risk of ever bumping into him again. I would NEVER EVER EVER go and visit a city where there's ANY risk of bumping into him. He knows I live here now, he doesn't like this city, it's not a winter destination.

I know he isn't over me and I don't think he will ever be. He went back to our home country last year and met up with my friends from school - they were my friends, he didn't even like them when we were together and had so much to say behind their backs, but he decided to go and visit them. He got very drunk and started telling everyone how much he missed me and realise how he much he wrong me (this was a year after we had broken up).

My original post's heading "I just want to move on" still stands. Even after I managed to escape him, he does stuff like this. He could never take no for an answer and here we go again. I've made it so incredibly clear that I am just not interested in him and now he came into my safe space. On the one hand I just want to get on and live my life. If he's here, stalking me, then all I want him to see is someone who is happily getting on with life. Someone who has moved on from the past and who is living in the present and building for the future.

I never loved him. I have empathy for him as another human being, but he needs some serious help. His obsession with me isn't good for me either, it's reminds me of the way he used to manipulate me - I would feel sorry for him and agree to anything to just make him stop begging (this was the story of our lives).

I just want him to leave me in peace so that I can get on with my life. Go find ANY OTHER city to explore than the one you know I live in. Why, when you are not over someone would you even go through the risk of seeing them with someone else?

Whatever game he is playing to get into my head, I cannot let him win. He means nothing to me and his actions should mean nothing to me. I'm off to go and enjoy Christmas Day and I will go walk around my city without fear. I cannot let him scare me anymore, I lived in fear for what he would do for 20 years and thought it was finally over.

(My building is fairly safe and it would be difficult for someone to come to my front door without me knowing...but I still don't want that doorbell to ring today!!)