Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
Honestly you responded like a normal people would if ask where you work.
Living in a dysfunction teaches us to either lie or alter or withhold information because telling the truth puts us in embarrassing or harmful or damaging situations.
But being on a constant alert is exhausting. No one can live like this. You really can’t expect yourself to be on alert at holiday dinner. Don’t beat yourself up or be disappointed. Your response is a healthy and appropriate reaction to people’s questions. You can’t beat yourself up over the fact that those other people might use your info against you.
My dad often accuses me and my brother for being secretive. The thing is we can’t rehearse every answer ahead of time. And lying is exhausting because you have to remember your lies. Yet telling the truth about the most innocent thing could lead to either a fight or some other embarrassing situation. So we avoid providing exact answers . But it’s tiring. It’s draining to say the least
Don’t beat yourself up.
|
You're correct, @
divine1966 that living in dysfunction teaches us to be dishonest for reasons of self-preservation. And, it's emotionally exhausting to live in that state of mine all the time around toxic family members, as in my case.
I guess my response was a health and appropriate reaction to my BIL's question, despite the fact that neither he nor my sister share with me the name of their workplace, or any details around it other than they both work from home.
I shouldn't beat myself up either, as you pointed out, over how my BIL will use that information against me. After all, I can't control what he does with that information. What's said is what's said.
Still, my people-pleasing is so easily triggered since it's an ingrained pattern (again, due to self-preservation). Flight or fight mode. I live between those two worlds and it's really exhausting. Probably why my cortisol has pooled around my waistline (where else would it go).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molinit
Divine is right. When reading this scenario, my first instinct (this is the dysfunctional instinct) would be to invent some fake superstitious reason I can't name the company.
On reflecting for a few minutes and reading divine's response to you, I would choose to tell the name and that's because that's what normal people would do in a conversation. So your side of the conversation was normal. Your response was healthy.
|
The dysfunctional instinct, much like the Force form Star Wars, is strong with this one. And I knew who my parents were.
I am usually great at inventing names. For a split second, I had a fake law firm name pulled up in my subconscious, that I rehearsed aloud on my drive over to my sister's.
But, like the startled character in a B-horror movie, I freaked out and told the truth, setting aside my self-preservation in order to please everyone at the table.
And for no reasons since my BIL and sister don't even like or respect me. I know this. Yet, I knee jerked responded with the truth. I curse you Mark Twain, for your quote about the truth is easier to remember than a lie.
Thank you @
Molinit for again saying that my response was healthy. Why does healthy feel so scary to me, when its around people whom I know don't want me to be healthy and will undermine, gaslight, and self-sabotage me all the time?
Maybe that's why I posted? Because my healthy response felt terrifying considering the risk that I took by doing so. I put myself out there for them to lie and manipulate that information for their own benefit with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
I’d even say that inventing some other name might not be a dysfunctional response per se, but rather self-preservation based on our negative experiences. Yet being always prepared to lie or be secretive cannot be expected of us! We deserve to relax!
|
I agree. I can't always be 'on' with a dysfunctional response per se. It's exhausting to skirt the truth with toxic people in the name of self preservation.
I have no idea what (if anything) awaits me. I won't know how their reaction to my truth-telling plays out, until it does and affects me negatively (which, I always experience when I share the truth with them). The easiest example is if I tell them the truth, they turn around and lie to our relatives about me. I know this because of the way my relatives respond to me now (and of course, my icy attitude towards them in the past plays a part, so I'm not off the hook entirely in that way).