Hi @Tart Cherry Jam it is a difficult dilemma, definitely! I’m trying not to beat myself up. I read online about ways to address self-sabotage. Some seem easier to do than others:

• Reframe
• Identify the self sabotaging behaviors
• Identify and embrace your strengths
• Pause
• Know yourself
• Practice wise mind
• Practice self-acceptance
• Make small changes
• Create a plan to address the self sabotage behaviors that is realistic

Dr. Judy Ho wrote a book “Stop Self Sabotage” that explains self-sabotage happens when our values and our behavior’s values are misaligned. That self-sabotage is a biological response when we feel afraid. We do something that doesn’t align with our true nature; i.e. we know what we want to do, but we do the opposite.

Also, Dr. Judy Ho writes in her book that self-sabotage is linked to cognitive dissonance - feelings uncomfortable due to internal contradictions we experience in situations, like mine at the Christmas dinner. I forced myself to answer truthfully, that wasn’t in line with my beliefs or values - that is, I would have rather lied to protect my privacy and protect my employment (despite complaining about workplace drama in my other thread).

I am going to read her book. She identifies all the self-sabotage patterns that exist:

• Perfectionism
• Moderation
• Running on Empty
• Procrastination
• Lack of Communication

The symptoms of self-sabotage, according to Dr. Judy Ho:

• refusing to ask for help
• controlling or micromanaging behavior
• picking fights with others
• setting unrealistic goals that are too high or too low
• avoidance and withdrawl socially
• negative self-talk and extreme self criticism
• making excuses and shifting blame
• undermining your own goals and values to please others
• substance abuse
• overspending
• overdoing it in general
• constantly needing approval

The one I forgot to add, “reluctance to speak up for yourself.”

There’s a section from the self-sabotage blog that mentions Dr. Judy Ho’s book that applies to stopping self-sabotage at work.

1. Talk to your manager

I tried that. It backfired, per my other thread.

2. Communicate.

I did speak up to both attorneys when I felt i needed more support and while they did listen, I was super triggered when I overheard the female attorney contradict every positive thing she’d said to me in a private meeting the day before when she was gossiping about me with her supervisor - another partner in the law firm.

3. Take a chance

I did take a chance at the law firm, going to one of the older founding partners to ask for support with the gossipy female attorney whom I work for. I didn’t let my inner critic talk me out of seeking support because I like the work that i do. But the meeting didn’t go the way I had hoped bc I got gaslit and bulldozed psychologically for speaking up. Basically, I felt retaliated against for calling out the toxic behavior of the two female attorneys who gossiped about me. That taught me that I’m not allowed to have my boundaries respected at this law firm, no matter how much I enjoy the work.

I don’t now how I’m supposed to put my own values first in a toxic work environment. I can definitely watch out for and identify red flags at work. And, I can continue to work on myself (as everyone here suggested - stop beating myself up for giving a normal response that contradicted my internal values of lying to protect myself, i.e. self preservation). I shouldn’t have to lie. Even if I had lied and given my brother in law a fake law firm name, he would still not respect me anyway. Esp. if I posted the law firm name on my LinkedIn profile. I want to post it, but again, my self-sabotage inner critic says, “don’t do it! You’ll open yourself up to trouble.”