That's great that you feel like this is a good, safe place to vent or talk about what you're working through.

Your words are very kind. I appreciate them more than I can say. At times, it feels like I'm stuck in place, spinning my wheels. To know that I've helped someone else feels pretty darn good.

Your H sounds much like mine during the holidays. People like H don't tolerate holidays well. In fact, ruining holidays is one of the things they do best.

You are so right that at times it's so bad it could almost be funny.

Did you feel like your H did that thing with the car keys solely in an attempt to get a rise out of you?

In the past, my H has packed suitcases as a means of escalation/baiting. Sometimes if he's not getting attention, he'll randomly start messing around with a suitcase, seemingly in an effort to trigger me. Last time he did that was on my birthday. (Surprise… a special occasion that's not about him.) I just walked into the room and casually asked him if he needed any help packing. He hasn't pulled that stunt since.

We've been in that similar territory for the last week though, with H doing various little things in a seeming attempt to set off an emotional bomb. It started with baiting and devaluation, moved on to false accusations/projection, and when all that didn't work, he began drinking alcohol openly for the first time in a couple of years. Ah, the holidays! It's having very little effect on me at this point, because I can see it for what it is- attention getting attempts by an unwell person. It's not me, it's him. About the most I'm feeling right now is pity, as well as a degree of sadness for him.

BTW- alcohol consumption in general isn't offensive to me. Given H’s health and neurological problems, alcohol isn't a great choice for him, and he supposedly gave up drinking after failing a neuro exam a few years ago. Later he admitted he was still drinking when he was away from home (on travel or with family), and given shifting behaviors at home, I figured he was still drinking on the downlow at times. So in all, going back to drinking openly isn't much of a shocker. It's his choice, his health- out of my lane. It's probably more shocking to him that I'm not invested in the choices he's making.

People wonder what I'm still doing here… there are very good reasons, but there are days I wonder that very same thing….

Best of luck with the training plan. Boundaries…. If he's being asinine for the sake of being asinine, you'll see that soon enough. Something I learned not too long back about borderline personality and the like, is that when they get to the point of name calling and insults, their brain may be beyond the point of rational reason. Sometimes the only effective boundary is just walking away

Don't make the mistake that I did either, which was not recognizing that negative attention is still better than no attention for disordered people. I wasted more time than I care to admit trying to talk to, and help, him- never with a satisfactory outcome. Later, it became clearer that his main interest in the interaction was that it kept the focus on him. He didn't care if things got better, it was more about maintaining being the center of attention (i.e. control), even if it was in a negative light.

You are probably very right that these types of maladaptive behaviors aren't as unusual as we'd like to think.

It's funny you asked about resolutions, because I was thinking about something related that might possibly be of interest to you:

About a year ago, I came upon an article about creating order in your life. It's about priorities. You walk through a few steps to identify what your priorities are. A key takeaway is that your priorities have nothing to do with dreams or goals, they're literally what your priorities need to be at this moment in time. I have to admit that when I did it, it was a little surprising to realize that H was nowhere on the list. The short list of priorities you end up with becomes the basis for all decisions you make.

A year on, those priorities have become second nature, which feels like pretty good growth in the right direction. I'm getting ready to redo the list and shift to new priorities, and hopefully more growth. I don't know where any of this mess is going, but for now I'm blooming where I'm planted, ya know?

You are tough, and you are strong. You are moving in the right direction. Keep moving in a positive direction for yourself and you'll eventually end up where you need to be

Happy New Year to you! May 2024 be a good one for you!

Here's that article if your interested:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20141...r-in-your-life