I’m sending peaceful vibes to all who are suffering. @HALLIEBETH87I truly hope you can get this under control because you’ve done SO well for the past few years and I hate to see it being derailed. Please try to trust your therapist and doctor. You’re a great person and you don’t deserve this! I hope they can find something helpful soon.

My holiday was nice, went to my grandma’s for Christmas Eve and it was just her and my mom (and us of course) so no drama at all. Perfect. Then my in laws from my first husband’s side came on Christmas morning, and then we went to RS’s parents house for lunch/dinner. It was so relaxed! I loved it compared to christmases past where there’s tension and bad feelings floating around when my family gets together.

I didn’t hear from my brother which is what I expected. But I’m not mad or hurt anymore. I texted him just to make sure my present made it to him and he said he was so sorry but he was “so overwhelmed” he hadn’t had a chance to check his email. It made me realize he’s probably mentally ill just like the rest of us, suffering from anxiety and depression. I kind of think he’s like our mom. He’s fully relying on his spouse to support him and take care of everything. And she doesn’t like us (maybe she likes me, she used to). So why would she make an effort for us or encourage my brother to do so? I honestly just feel bad for him now and I hope he eventually gets the help he needs. Maybe we’ll see him again, who knows. But I hope he just works on being present for his kids more than our mom I was present for us and if that’s all he can handle, that’s what’s important.

I’m mad that I have to get another ECT treatment tomorrow. I do hate them so. I hate that it’s necessary for me. Makes me feel like a real loser. I’m going to try to space it out to four weeks this time. It is winter so I might not make it but I’m going to try. I just wish I could get by without them, not that it’s really that big a deal I just think it’s pathetic for me to need FIVE medications AND still need maintenance ECT.