To the original poster-
So what I understand from your post is that a lot of traumatic things have happened, which led you to feel disillusioned with life, and perhaps you feel there’s no point since everything is lost anyway.
I’m so glad you shared about it
It seems you have been keeping strong for a long time
It seems like life is meaningless and though I don’t agree, I understand the feeling
Since my friend also used to say this
I am not sure what events have happened in your life, yet I believe ptsd is a real thing
I get distressing dreams, dizziness, sleepiness, etc and I’m not even sure what traumatic incidents happened in my life, there were no natural disasters, deaths or accidents. There was probably a slow, long term pattern of abuse (strong word) but it’s hard to know