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kim_johnson said:
and i said that neither my mother nor my father saw me really... but that after that people did... and that no good came of that. and he said we should talk about that next time. but this time... our time was up.

but we did talk a bit about how scary it is for people to see you. and i said that therapy was scary for me... that i had trouble with past therapists because they categorized and classified but never really saw me as a person. but that people seeing me as a person is problematic too. scary. scary for me. and about how the only people who did see me as a person... hurt me. so much. and i'm scared of that. i am. scared.

so... kinda intense, i guess. 3 months... then i'm off...

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It does occur to me to wonder if it's possible that it feels safer to invest in and care about people who have built in limitations. People who have a prescribed role, or who are geographically distant, or who for some reason you can have control over how much of you they can see. You do let them see some of you, but in a way you don't find too scary. But then when the roles or the other limitations kick in, they hurt you. Which reinforces the idea that letting people see you doesn't work out.

I've been working on this idea about myself. That I crave intimacy, but then I arrange my relationships in such a way that intimacy is limited. That somehow that's all I can tolerate because it helps me feel safe. But that it leaves me craving intimacy.

I don't know if you could have the same push/pull dynamic going on. Maybe it's just something that's on my mind because of what I'm thinking about myself.