Being attached to you makes my life so incredibly difficult. The couple of weeks away are just starting to remind me of what it’s like to not have anyone in my life with that power over me. Nobody to trigger me / make me feel so intensely etc. I do not know how I coped over the last 12 months and it is very tempting to stay away now that I’ve started to lose those feelings. I don’t want to reawaken them by seeing you again. I don’t want to live on edge, getting triggered every time I think you are abandoning or rejecting me.
But I don’t have another option, because I won’t want to live if I go back to the way I was either. And I deeply want to be known by somebody. I hope this year is easier