im not sure how to start this because i haven’t ever gotten the chance to tell anybody everything. friends may know little bits and pieces, but mainly, i just feel lonely and helpless, so i came here to finally let it out.
my mother had me at 22 (so, right, very much from the beginning hihihi!). she is a great woman, but she’s hurt me more than shes realized. she was, and still is, an alcoholic with disorders such as anxiety and BPD which she lets go untreated due to past experiences with “treatment” as a teen. i remember when she’d come home sobbing, severely drunk late at night. i would have to help her walk, take her to the bathroom, and even change her. i was young, those were scary nights. those were things she should’ve done for me then. that was only when i did see her though. she’s always been a bartender since i was little, but at the time she worked at a bar which packed her schedule so full i didn’t get to see her much. my grandma would take care of me at home, but she was no parent. she was a chain smoker who would sit in the garage all day or play games on her computer. i loved her so much, but the truth is, i didnt have any real parental figure in my life. my biological father and mom split before i was conscious, and i used to go over and visit him until he suddenly stopped taking me and left somewhere i dont know. i ended up taking to the internet with no restrictions, starting a lifelong internet addiction, seeing things kids shouldn’t see.
i was very bullied in elementary school. wether it be stupid petty kid stuff, people judging my appearance or getting pushed to the ground on rocks and beaten, i had a hard time making friends. (and actually, this bullying didn’t stop until last year, but instead i got called a ***** and at some point boys took pictures of me and sent them to a groupchat to sexualize me and make fun of me.)
as i grew up, my mom would change boyfriends. she would have sex loudly in the room right next to me, and thought i didn’t know what was happening. some of her boyfriends were nice, one gifted me a guitar. others were cruel, one yelled at me whenever my mom wasn’t around and it broke off when he punched furniture around me. that doesn’t seem so bad in comparison to my old step dad, though. he was abusive in every way possible. i watched him give my mom black eyes and huge bruises on her leg, brutally attacking her in front of me. i would hide things in my room so i was sure he wouldn’t break them. everything was constantly knocked over, the ground was constantly covered in glass, the walls had holes in them, and he would go out and cheat on my mom. he blamed me for every small mistake. once, he came into my room and trapped me in there. he screamed at me for being scared of him. then, after a few more times of coming in, he switched up and started hugging me and crying saying he’d “reel in the moon for me.” if he was ever in a bad mood, he’d trap me in the hallways or something. id politely ask for him to leave me alone, careful not to upset him, but it never worked. me and my mom would sleep in empty parking lots because we weren’t safe at home with him. but she didn’t think he was abusive, she only focused on the highs. and back then, i did too.
at some point, my grandma kicked him out for his behavior. my mom wanted us to go with him. we lived in my moms friends tiny, one room guest house for awhile. we eventually found an apartment. he seemed to get worse around this point.
then, in 2020, my grandma got lung cancer from her smoking. she was misdiagnosed at first, so it went untreated for a long time. by the time they discovered their mistake, it was too late and it was in too high of a stage to cure her. she was in her early 60s. we moved back in after awhile to take care of her. my mom had a broken leg at the time, so it was very difficult. my uncle came for awhile too, and we all slept out in the living room together. the next day, after our first night of living there, she died. i remember everyone hysterically sobbing except for me. i just stood there, not sure how to react. my last words to her were “i love you,” and she said she loved me too.
i’m February of 2023, my mom and my old stepdad finally split. it was hard for a long time. she wouldn’t eat, all she did was cry. it wasn’t her choice to split. he cheated on her, then messaged me saying she kicked him out. it wasn’t true, as it turns out, he was moving in with his girlfriend who he was cheating with. she recovered, and things were somewhat better. my mom found a new boyfriend recently after two prior who is kind. her drinking is still there, but it’s better.
then i got diagnosed with cancer. i have a soft tissue scaroma tumor. it doesn’t run in the family—my grandma had cancer from her smoking addiction and her mother had breast cancer, but not this. about a year ago, it started with “hip” problems which i thought were from pacing. then, i noticed a lump. when i went to the doctor the first time, he told me i had something different and printed out a bunch of stretches. the pain got so bad, one day i couldn’t make it out of bed, so my mom decided to take me to the doctors again. i was told to go to the ER immediately. i waited, and as i was waiting, my biological father reached out—more on that later. i got an ultrasound, which was useless other than confirming i do in fact have a mass. i then got an MRI, showing it was a 16cm tumor coming from my smooth muscle. then i got a biopsy done, where the final diagnosis comes from. it’s in a low stage luckily, but it pushes my organs and surrounds my artery. they think though, i might not need chemotherapy or radiation and will do with just surgery. the thing is, i’ve been in so much pain and very paranoid. i dont understand why this happened to me or where it came from.
as i said, my biological father also messaged me. we talked, and he tried to tell me he didn’t leave me. i have been mostly unresponsive because i dont like him and im too stressed with having cancer to actually respond. he ended up coming back here and wants to visit me. he’s been very respecting and understanding me though, it makes me feel like im being mean for not wanting to see him.
there are some other details here and there too i didn’t mention because this is just a dump with a hardly consistent timeline, for example i somewhat recently moved again to another apartment since my mom couldn’t stand to be in the old house after the breakup. my living spaces have always been disgusting because i’m the only one to pick up after myself, but i could never say that. i never have eaten 3 proper meals a day, wether it be my mom not being home and my grandma being to lazy to cook, my mom herself feeling lazy to cook, my kitchen being way too disgusting, or having nothing to make. i also have severe sensory issues which make it hard to exist without headphones. school is very difficult, and no matter how i try, math never makes any sense. my grades are low, and my counselor has tried to be as supportive as possible with my current situation, but even then i still feel overwhelmed. also, this year i decided to change schools and, i’ve never really felt i had a true friendship connection with any schoolmate, but now i’m starting completely fresh and finding it hard to click with anybody in the slightest.
i know i have many people who support me, i know my mom really does love me, and i know things can only get better if i fight hard enough. but i feel so helpless and unfixable, like i’ll be trapped feeling like everyday i will live as a robot forever.
i do have hope. one doctor saw scars (from about a year ago, i dont so that anymore) and referred me to a therapist. my mom hasn’t called the place yet, but maybe if i remind her enough, she’ll actually do it.
sorry for how disorganized and insane this all is, i dont even know how much sense it makes and i dont really feel like re-reading it… so i’m sorry if it is confusing! but i just needed to get this all out somewhere finally. if anyone did read this, i hope you are having a great day and keep fighting hard!