really struggling today. im still in the same house with my wife and sleeping in the same bed while the kids are here. its gut wrenching because shes laughing at tv shows like nothing is wrong at all. i still love her but im starting to hate her behavior. i want to save the marriage but at the same time why would i want to be with someone who did this to me. i want to die but i want to live. i think about maybe the future could be good but then i feel like im never going to trust anyone again. never is an absolute but it feels so permanent. im a mess