Thank you, @speckofdust! I do feel like another year being alive is an accomplishment. Doesn’t matter what happens. I’m alive. That’s pretty great in itself.

Am I emotionally mature, though? I rant a lot on here about my family and get ruffled when people call me out on what I contribute (as they should, b/c I do) to my toxic family system. Why am I so triggered by my siblings apparent disinterest in celebrating our mother’s life together despite the disparity between us as siblings? Why does that irritate me so much? I feel like they both blame ME for everything since I’m the oldest. But they aren’t exempt either. I did a lot for them both over the years without being asked, without expectations, because I liked them and wanted to help them.

I got my brother his first book publicist, and a book deal with a book publisher and radio interviews. I helped him because I wanted to. I helped my sister mend fences with her best friend from high school. I drove to another city at 4 a.m. to be the sober driver to their drunk friend who got a DWI and needed a ride home at 4 am. when the police released him. A ***** doesn’t do nice things like that for people she doesn’t like.

So, why do these two people hate me so much? They’ve never clearly explained that part to me. And, I have a hard time letting go of needing to know…because they’ve each had over 40 years to tell me and either I didn’t understand, or they didn’t actually tell me? I don’t know.

I do have value. I do have worth. I am finally starting to believe and accept that. When my mother died, literally NO ONE I’ve known for years offered me condolences. One friend blew me off. Another friend ranted to her mother about their toxic relationship in front of me, while I visited her from out of town at her invitation…and ignored the fact that she knew I’d just had my mother pass away. I deserve to be cared for by others. I deserve to be valued by others too, not just value myself. Does that make sense?

I do need to let go and trust in myself more. When I’m vulnerable with others, they HATE that quality of mine and quickly dismiss my value and worth. I’m not needy per se. I don’t need people to call or text me constantly. That part is hard for me — self trust. Even if I 100% trust myself…people still don’t invest their time in a friendship with me. I can’t waste anymore valuable time analyzing why. I’ll never know if they don’t tell me. And, I’m certainly not going to ask them. Why bother?

Thank you, @Revenge Tour. I’m glad to read that you can relate due to your own situation with your father passing away and your sister being a selfish baby about it. I’m proud that you were bold enough to stand up to her and told her to leave you and your family alone forever. Good for you. I can see why she didn’t like your rejection (I don’t like my siblings rejection of me, either). But you have good reason.

I have stood up to my sister before and I always post about those experiences here. What makes me a hypocrite though, is that I KNOW I’m investing emotionally in a non-existent relationship. Someone here pointed it out to me, and this year is the first time I actually agree because I have been doing so for 25 years.

So, it’s a very one-sided relationship that I deluded myself into thinking was 2 sided. Sometimes it seems two-sided but I guess it’s not? Otherwise, she’d start calling me on her own volition, to ask how I’m doing or ask me to hang out. She only used to call me when she needed something (like help her repair her friendship or be the sober driver for her husband’s drunkard friend). Maybe I did those things because of my toxic people pleasing and codependency. Because I thought I was proving my worth to her, to her husband. But I learned that I can’t prove my worth to them…or to anyone. If someone thinks I’m unworthy, nothing I do will convince them to change their mind. That’s a hard pill to swallow. I’m embarassed for wasitng so much time. I’m 53 now. What do I do with myself?