((((RD))))

She just loves playing the game, doesn't she? It's not communication, it's not working out a problem, it's baiting and fishing for problems and drama

It's not always a popular viewpoint, but anger is your friend. Your friend that tells you a truth you don't like. Sit with the feeling, make friends with it, ask it what it's there to tell you. Were you feeling manipulated, belittled, demeaned with the lawyer as a witness, pissed at the games with no solution, sick of the intentional bad communication? Other things? I'd feel all those things and more. Any normal person would.

Anger is not aggression, rage, bullying, etc. Anger is a feeling, not an action, so it has to be dealt with

Here's one way I learned to deal with anger towards H a little more effectively. Maybe you can get something out of it: At one point a few years ago, he was baiting and baiting and baiting until I finally blew up. We're just talking about frustration and yelling- things finally coming to the surface after months and years of picking and prodding- it's called reactive abuse and everyone has a limit. Afterwards, he looked like he got an awesome dopamine hit or something. He was so happy and I realized he'd gotten exactly what he wanted. My negative reaction was the currency he was seeking. Once I realized just how badly he wanted the reaction, and the lengths he was willing to go to get it, it made it so much easier to not give it to him. It's the behavior of a sick person. They want and need your anger. There's nothing for the healthier party to gain from it.

So, remember she wants to knock you off balance, she wants to get in your head.

In the Sonic the Hedgehog movie there's a reference to the villain being obsessed with Sonic and how scary that is. Sonic's response is almost laughter and he says, "Are you kidding? I live in that guy's head rent free!" Don't let her live in your head rent free.

As for the negotiations, here's a little brain hack that comes to mind. Maybe it would work for you. Find some kind of object you can carry with you in your pocket. Any small item will do. Any time you start to feel that anger, focus on the object, put your hand on it, worry it if you need to. It just gives you something else to focus on in the moment. Heck, you could use a five dollar bill and then donate it to a good cause after the fact. The idea is to pull yourself out of the reactive part of your head and back into the present. Give yourself permission to be mad as heck after the fact, and you can always bring that back here. Just get through the "meetings" with as much detachment as possible.