LMO (and all)....

Thank you all for your kind words and support. And, I know that I cling to my mistakes, learning that in counseling that one of the biggest reasons that I am depressed and acted out is that I can not forgive myself for the mistakes that I have made. My therapist tells me that I bring this on myself because I wish to punish myself. And, as to why I acted out in the first place? It was twofold. First, an escape from what I had to face. I wanted the "high" of the experience but then felt like %$&* afterward which only deepened the depression. A vicous cycle. Second, I secretly wanted to be exposed, to get caught so I would face the ultimate in humiliation and punish myself furhter Punish myself so severely that I woulad wnat to end my life.

And, I am trying very hard to move on. What makes it difficult now is that so many people know what I have done. Makes it very hard. And the extreme guilt and remorse I feel over having treated my ex girl friend that way. That pain still runs deep and is something that I don't think I will ever get over. And as much as everyone on this board has been supportive, that is easy to do given the anonymous nature of this board. I have clearly lost someone I loved so dearly forever as a result of this. No woman would take a man back after this. And her friends I am sure would love to see me in pain.


In the end I have done a superb job of punishing myself. Even my therapist has to pat me on the back for that one. (tongue in cheek). She says that I have got just what I wanted.

This next few weeks are critical for me. I am very afraid. But I am trying to be strong.