Hey all, it's been a long time since I've been here. Things have been going steadily ok in therapy with my new T and recently it feels like we De making some real headway with the trauma work, but I could use some input from people who understand, as there is something that is a continuing 'issue'. I've never felt connected to this T. We've talked about it time and time again, but never found a way forwards. I have a ridiculously rough time opening up and truly connecting with people on an emotional level, letting them in, but managed it with my Ex T through the use of safe, nurturing touch. My current T doesn't use this in her practice, and I am ok with that, but really struggling to find ways to connect without it. I do not make eye contact. In fact we sit side by side in session and I spend a lot of it turned away looking away from her because I do not wish to be seen, when talking about my trauma. As a result, it's really difficult for me to sense her presence in the room. Most of the time, that's fine by me, because I am terrified of having another person around when I think about this stuff, but I know the aim of my game is to let select people in, and to allow these long hidden secrets to be shared.

Today, in session, as I was recounting a memory from a written piece I had prepared (a monumental step in my work!) and feeling sad, my T said to me 'is there anything you need from me right now'. I was taken aback. I was confused. I didn't understand her question. Later, when I asked, she said she had meant did I need a tissue, or did I need her to close her eyes, or did I need her to stay quiet etc. Then she added - 'I didn't want you to feel alone with your sadness'. I am grateful that that is how she felt, but the question was really clumsy, and we have no real ways between us to help me not feel alone, when I can't see her or touch her.

I guess it would have been nice if she had just acknowledged my sadness and told me I wasn't alone, that she was there etc, but she has never been all that good at saying the right things, sadly.

So, I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on how we can help me to feel connected, if that is what I want, in times like this?

I have in the past considered asking her whethe she would touch the end of my finger if I held it out, or whether we could hold an object like a scarf between us sometimes. (I think she may have suggested that). And today I thought maybe we could get a piece of paper and both put our hands on it or something, but I would be most grateful for any other suggestions.

Thank you so much if you read all of this, I appreciate your time.