Happy New Year to you as well. I hope that 2024 ends up being a positive one.

You're very insightful about your H seemingly seeking to be in the victim role, and it's good you recognize that it's not exclusive to you. It's a “him” problem. But dealing with the chronic victim mentality isn't always easy. It's important to not get sucked into his victim drama. If you do, you'll find yourself in one of those pointless, circular conversations that never accomplishes anything. Engaging a victim mentality can be a huge time waster.

It is hard to not fall into the trap of giving attention to negative behaviors too. We should be able to discuss and solve problems with our spouses, and end up on the same page together. But that's not always how it works out. Once you see it for what it actually is, and can see that he's benefitting from dysfunctional behavior and response in some way, it is a bit easier to disengage and let the chips fall where they may.

I'd be interested in what advice the therapist might have had for you in regards to your need for apologies and accountability - that doesn't sound unreasonable. You can't fix what can't be acknowledged, and trust is a fragile thing. If someone won't apologize, or be accountable, or make amends for something they've done, how can you actually rebuild trust? In my mind, it might not be possible. Maybe the therapist had other thoughts?

—>Have you struggled a lot with this back and forth with your H?<---

This isn't so much a problem here. My H seems to have some cognitive issues, so he'll either forget events quickly, or confabulate/make false accusations if it suits his needs. Either way, there's no consistency of truth to work with, so it tends to get pushed aside and there's no real solution- and frankly, he doesn't seem as interested in solutions as he is problems. Detach…

It seems like you're expected to take responsibility for your past actions to maybe a higher degree than he does. This isn't blame shifting, and putting the focus onto you, so he doesn't have to be as accountable for his own transgressions, is it? If you're expected to answer and be accountable for those things you did, then he needs to step up and do the same, doesn't he? Does he meet you halfway on those?

How did the holidays turn out for you? Did you feel like you got through them in a way that worked for you, or felt like you were attending to your own needs as well?

I did what was right for me and DD, but fear there were expectations that went unsaid and I'm going to be expected to pay the piper for it later. So be it, it wasn't my responsibility to read minds...