“They both infantilize me.”
^This is a very important factor, and the crux of the issue with your parents contribution to your struggles. From what I’ve been learning, it is about attachment issues and individuation gone awry due to parents who were not “good enough” parents. There is a lot of information you can learn about this, if you are interested.

Then one needs to essentially reparent themselves and individuate, becoming a productive adult. We are not stuck forever and can help ourselves.

I do share this issue with you. My mother did not want to let me individuate…ever…. Honestly, approaching my old age, I am having to assert my independence and insist on my boundaries, though they are still not respected or honored. The only thing for me to do was to distance and choose the level of contact I could live with.