You have tried very hard to make things work in your relationship. I can tell by listening to you that it’s not in your nature to be mean and vindictive. You have stated how it feels wrong. Instead you have just tried harder to fix and kept doing more and more. As you gave in more all you did was hand her more power and only got crumbs of occasional acknowledgement from her.

This is a challenge you can never win. Standing up for yourself and saying no and setting boundaries actually feels wrong to you. Instead you prefer to be part of a solution and fixing whatever is broken. This personality disorder is not something you can fix.

Your wife doesn’t want to care, it’s too inconvenient to her. The only way to move forward is change how you react and let her learn her behaviors are only going to inconvenience herself
Your wife never matured properly and never learned how to regulate her emotions. As a result the needs of others are an inconvenience to her. All she learned is acting a role to get her needs met. This is masking and gaslighting. This is what addicts do they abuse drugs/alcohol and gaslight that they don’t have a problem when they do. Instead they live in denial and when they do something that costs them they get angry at the inconvenience of any punishments.

It’s important not to get sucked into enabling. Disordered individuals like to interact with enablers. You have grown wise to this and have been working hard at developing setting better boundaries and not giving in to your fixer enabler side.