I have spent maybe 30 minutes of where I should post this, as I felt i was compartmentalizing what are symptoms and stuff as I am undiagnosed by a health official. The only thing I do know or suspect I may have is ADHD/ADD as it runs in my entire dads side of the family, while my mothers side are alcoholics.

I hit the rock bottom. No, this is not a professional wrestling pun. This has been the lowest I have felt why entire life. In the duration of the past 2 years, I have been disowned by my moms side of the family for not wanting to drink and giving them money to get booze. My dads side, did something similar only with religion.

I had to let go of what I considered a friend circle, as it was extremely one sided and yet they demanded more and more. So I cut off the toxicity. I also got out of an abusive relationship cut out her friends. another case to toxicity on top of her being abusive.

Cut to current day. I isolated myself. Due to housing and financial situation. On top of the area having a poor outlook on people in my social status, I isolated and decided to not talk to anyone for a year and a half. I personally don't want to speak to others, but I know my human nature and/or instincts needs social interaction. The more time goes on, the more I divulge in attempting to interact with others, but days later, I push away.

I have never been a interesting person. I don't have hobbies that I haven't been interested in, nor do I desire them. I am easily comparable to Siri or Google assistant, but they do a better job. I used to read wikipedia a lot. I played guitar, used to play games very badly that the toxic acquaintances would convince me to play. I wrote when I was younger, but that has been almost two decades. I forgot everything I knew back then.

Everyone I attempt to communicate with, usually within two days I push away. Either I argue, attempt to just disappear, or just do something I am used to doing, not talk at all. I have strong social anxiety when I am in public. Crippling so much, that I can only run errands at 6am or near store closing 845pm. I am conflicted. And I am annoyed that I struggle with this.